Celebrating a Life Well-lived

It’s a fact of aging: As we grow older, we spend more time at celebrations of life than birthday party celebrations.

Some funeral traditions and rituals have changed over the years. Nearly two-thirds of people are cremated, which means that services are often held weeks or even months after someone has died.Services may include more up-tempo music and readings, celebrating life rather than mourning death. (For instance, a recent study in the United Kingdom found that 38 million people (68%) believe funerals are more a celebration of life.)

Livestreaming technology allows people to watch the service from home, a convenience that can also change the dynamics of the service.

What this means is that while the guiding principle of respectfully honoring a deceased loved one remains, the way we do so may have changed.

“If ever there were a time for decorum to be upheld, it is at a funeral, memorial, or graveside service. A processional accompanied by a Dixieland band may be a time to celebrate joyfully the life of the deceased, but the service itself requires a respectful presence,’’ according to the Emily Post Institute.

Funeral Etiquette 101

As you make plans to show your respect, here are 3 things to keep in mind.

1. Be on time
   “Arriving late to a funeral service is considered disrespectful for several reasons. Funerals are meticulously planned by funeral directors and family members to provide a dignified farewell to the deceased. Arriving late disrupts the flow of the ceremony and can be distracting to other guests who are trying to focus on their grief and support for the family,” according to McCafferty Funeral & Cremation in Philadelphia.

2. Dress appropriately
   Mourning attire has changed over the years and sometimes family request specific attire, such as their loved one’s favorite color or sports jersey. But in general, casual clothes (i.e. flipflops and shorts) or revealing clothes are taboo.
   “If you have any doubts about what is acceptable to wear to the service, traditional and conservative black, gray, or navy attire is typically a safe choice,” according to Funeral Basics.

3. Use technology sparingly
   If there was ever a time to make sure your phone is turned off, a funeral is the place. That means no checking your phone for texts or otherwise fiddling with your device. If you want to take pictures or record a ceremony check with the family first.

How Kendal at Oberlin Memorializes Residents

In any given year about 20 Kendal residents die, and about half of the families request that Kendal hold a memorial service at the community.  

“It can by anything but they’re always so full of information and joyous, it really is a celebration of life,” says Carol Harvey, who has been chairing the Memorial Committee for nearly a decade.

The main change over the years is the use of technology. The celebration can be livestreamed, and a video can be made for the family to share with others. Families still have memorabilia tables with albums and other mementos, but the display is often supplemented with a slide show.

And since Kendal is home to so many musicians and retired clergy, Carol can easily find Kendal residents to assist, and at no charge.  

“The only costs to the family for this celebration of their loved one is the printed program, a plant or flower arrangement at the lectern and food – if they want any of these,” Carol says.

Carol makes name tags for family members that include relationship, such as “grandson,” so residents can share meaningful stories when they meet. And dozens of Kendal residents do attend, which often surprises family members.

Says Carol, “It shows that the Kendal family is part of their family.”

In the past, Molly Kavanaugh frequently wrote about Kendal at Oberlin for the Cleveland Plain Dealer, where she was a reporter for 16 years. Now we are happy to have her writing for the Kendal at Oberlin Community.

About Kendal at Oberlin: Kendal is a nonprofit life plan community serving older adults in northeast Ohio. Located about one mile from Oberlin College and Conservatory, and about a 40 minute drive from downtown Cleveland, Kendal offers a vibrant resident-led lifestyle with access to music, art and lifelong learning.